A short five weeks ago I began tutoring at a local elementary school. One that struggles in many areas, but in reading in particular. I work with kinder – 4th grade students, with most of my one on one time with kinder and 1st grade.

I’m sad to say that many of the children struggle even to know the alphabet… let alone the sounds each letter makes. When we do sneak in sight words, often times we also have to add the definition to those words.

I believe there are many benefits that reading brings. First I believe it creates an amazing connection between you and your child. The closeness, the physical touch of snuggling up to a book, voices being heard and shared. Expressions and tone in voice; excitement, sadness, tension, love and happiness. These are just a few of the things that I have experienced and know to be true and I am no expert.

If you read to your child when they are young… you will give your child an advantage that will go with them all through their lives and especially in their early years of school.

And lastly it will increase their imagination. I love this one especially as I love to see my kids use it outside of reading… and in writing their own books.

So… take some time and read to your children. Make up a story while holding your book in the car. Pretend you’re reading a story to them. I don’t care… just read.

What memories do you have from your childhood and reading?

In a short 20 days – minus a week long hunting trip that comes to an end. And by the way I am really excited and ready to sleep in a crappy cot in the cold Wyoming countryside with a buddy of mine, looking for animals to shoot. REALLY EXCITED.

so… 20 days from now I’m out, maybe. To be honest, I sat in a IKEA chair this past Sunday for the first time in almost five years since I jumped in with helping plant Paseo Church. And to be honest… it really bothered me. I’m not sure how else to put it, except that Pew Sitting Is Not For Me. I was uncomfortable, I was antsy, I felt trapped… BUGGED ME.

I’ve just begun to wrestle with this and what the implication it has on my life… but right now I can’t see it continuing… right now it just feels wrong to me. Maybe it’s because I’ve not done it since well 18 years ago. Maybe it’s just I’m not used to sitting during a Sunday morning church service.

Maybe it is wrong… maybe? Maybe not. Is it okay to be comfortable in that position? In my head right now I’m wrestling with what I’m saying… trying to defend what I’m saying and at the same time justifying the time a person comes and enjoys the soft cushions. They need it one side says, while the other says, no… for too many that’s all there is.

I’m not sure what to make of it, but I know I’m not a pew sitter and I don’t want to push through until it’s comfortable. Can’t, it’s just not me.

Again as I move through the process of stepping out of my staff position at Paseo I am taking time to assess where I’ve been, where I am and what I’d like to do in the future. I am honestly amazed at how many people over the past month have told me what I need to do, what I should do and what I shouldn’t. I’m not sure how to take it all. Part of it is my fault, because I have been openly open about not having a set next step. I’m not sure, but I think in our lives, especially here in the US that is at the minimum a bit uncomfortable for people and at most out right wrong.

How in the world can you leave a known position, employment, ministry, paid position and just not have a next step, a plan and so my vacuum is something that people feel they need to fill with something… I think.

The other side of me is… do I look that helpless that I need so much input? And yet the other side is and how I try to take all of it is that people are at the root concerned and caring. For those of you reading this, I do appreciate your concern and desire to care. Thank you.

Earlier I told you that I took a relational assessment that revealed a few areas where I could invest some energy. I really like this goal:

   Capitalize on the external emotion of the environments you step into and practice changing

   those environments in a positive way. Don’t let significant moments pass you by, rather, seize

   those moments and make good deposits in other  people’s lives. This is an  art that must  be

   practiced, a quest to be  pursued.

I believe this to be one of the most exciting things I’ve thought about in a long while. In life, especially today, people are concerned about our country and where it’s going. But in a lot of the places where I’ve served the past few years, they are concerned about whether they are going to have food today, not the future. They wonder if their parents will be high when they get home, they wonder if the work they are investing into matters and whether anyone notices.

Reread that statement above. I love it… it’s an art to be practiced… make good deposits into other people’s lives.

This is an incredible pursuit for everyone who happens upon this post. I hope those you come into contact with today invest into your life and you into theirs.

Since 2005, I’ve had panic attacks but they have been fewer and farther between.  They mostly come with triggers: my being sick, sometimes when Steve or one of my kids is sick, Steve being out of town, thunderstorms and other bad weather, being at the doctor or dentist, flying or sometimes even being at the airport to drop somebody off.  It sounds like a Monk-fears list, right?

Its gotten better.  I used to have panic attacks in crowds, like at concerts or the movies or basketball games, all of which I love.  Around the worst point, 2004 or so, I remember throwing up at a Casting Crowns concert.  And a UTEP miners basketball game.  I hid it well, but it was hard.  I’m better about most of that kind of stuff now.  In fact, I usually do ok during our big summer desert thunderstorms, since this past summer 2010.  I have even been known to get out in the rain for a quick second, but then I get terrified and run back in.  I used to watch the weather radar obsessively, fearing storms even when we were all safe inside.  I’d pace the floor and watch for lightning, but I’m a little better about that now.  I do ok when Steve leaves now, too, mostly.  I take time off work when he’s gone and spend time with the kids and rest a lot, and while it’s not easy, it’s not debilitating anymore.

To somebody who’s never had a panic attack, it’s hard to explain.  I’ve not met that many people who admit to knowing the feeling of squeezing, binding fear, racing heart, sweaty palms, upset stomach, and the list goes on.  You think you are maybe dying, or at least ready to pass out, and then you don’t-and then you are supposed to go on with your day and take care of the kids or finish grocery shopping or whatever.  It can be surreal.

I have said to those who I am super close to (nobody but Steve and God know all of this stuff about me, but some friends know some stuff, which sometimes really embarrasses me, cause  face it, this is some weird stuff) that I think anxiety is my thorn in my flesh.  That it will be with me forever, until Heaven.  That it will plague whatever I do, sort of holding me back, unless I fight it tooth and nail.  Did you know I was a missions major in college?  Spent 2 summers flying back and forth to Mexico.  A lot has changed since then.

So when the challenge yesterday was to tell a friend about a dream that you would love to see come true, especially if failure was not an issue, I texted Steve.  I said, “My dream is to fly someday.  To travel with you.” ‘Cause what if my old, not-so-good friend, panic, went away?

I started thinking about this last time I needed a tooth crowned at my dentist.  I prayed super hard, and Steve coached me, and I even ate the night before, and slept.  That was huge!  I couldn’t eat the morning of, but I did walk in fairly relaxed (for me) and sat through the procedure pretty well.  And the dentist, who knows I get scared, said, “See? We’ve done this lots of times before (for somebody with dental fears, I have horrible teeth, with tons of root canals and crowns and stuff) and you’re always ok.  I always bring you through it ok.”

And I know Jesus was there that day.  In fact, those were likely His words to me, not the dentist.  Could I ever be brave enough to drop this fear? Because I’ve carried these bags for a long time.   Shame and embarrassment has kept me from telling this story before; who wants to be thought of as someone to be pitied?  As someone a little bit unstable?  I’m scared as I write this of what you will think of me and my irrational fears.

But what if I could travel someday?  What if I got brave, and God healed me enough to fly and enjoy the trip, and kept me ok like He did at the dentist last time?  What if Steve took his water filters, and I took my 2 graduate degrees and my stethoscope, and went somewhere where clean water and health care are scarce?  And what if we took Abby and Caleb?  What if I saw the world God made like I used to dream of when I was a kid, before I knew what anxiety could do to me?  And what if I liked it?  And the world was different because I could fly, and travel, and cure some sick kids?

I think I make a difference here in El Paso and have a beautiful, blessed life despite the chains of fear that threaten to bind me at times.  They haven’t, not completely, and that is only by God’s amazing, astounding grace.  But what if I, a kid from a violent house and totally messed up family (another story, most likely connected, but this is enough for now) am meant for more?

That would be crazy, don’t you think?  What if I’m meant to fly?  It’s hard to fathom.

I am so reluctant to post all this for all the world to see.  But to be brutally honest, as I will try to be here, I am feeling so moved to tell this story that I can barely stop myself.  Talk about God’s promptings, I guess that this might be what it feels like to be shoved by God.

If you know me well, you might have heard me casually say something like, “I don’t fly.” This might have been said to explain why I am skipping a trip to Ecuador with my husband, Steve, or why we’re driving to see family in Oregon.  You might have heard me say, “I’m not a good patient,” to try and explain why I cry and don’t eat for a day or 2 before a dentist appointment.

These are kind of common fears, so I usually try and pass them off as basically normal.  But those comments hide an ugly truth about me.  I suffer from a nasty illness called panic disorder.

My first real panic attack was on a plane, I’ll never, ever forget how it felt.  Nowadays therapists tell me that this attack is why I’m afraid to fly.  So afraid, in fact, that I’ve avoided planes for I think about 13 years now.  And that’s no small order considering that my husband’s family, who I love, live in Oregon, and that we used to work for a company based in San Diego.  We drive a lot.  Steve is a saint.

The first panic attack was 17 years ago, although in hindsight anxiety had been with me long before that.  I think a lot of my physical ailments as a child and teen were caused by underlying, unexpressed anxiety.  Anyway, the panic attacks got worse and then better over the years, coming in waves depending on life situations, change, and stress.

After Abby was born 10 years ago, about the same time I graduated from nursing school, I sought out my third therapist.  After Caleb was born ( he’s 8 ) and I went back to graduate school, I was already seeing my fourth therapist.  I don’t chew therapists up and spit them out as much as I start doing better and then try and go it on my own for a while.

The summer of 2004, I think it was, things were really bad and I went an entire summer without eating.  Anxiety and panic attacks kill my appetite, and I lost 30 pounds compare to what I weigh now.  My stomach was in shreds from the anxiety and no food, and sometimes I’d spend mornings and long nights just throwing up from all the stress and stomach upset.  There were days I felt forced to just stay in bed, because under my covers was the only place in the world that I felt safe.  This is why I sometimes say that if it wasn’t for Jesus, I would be an agoraphobe, settling into my house in 2004 and never being brave enough to leave again.  I remember, that summer or fall, having to leave work that I love in the middle of the day because I couldn’t stop shaking with panic, couldn’t think or see straight, practically.  I drove to my therapist’s office and sat in the waiting room until she could see me.  That day I finally, finally gave in to what so many people had been advising me to do and started on some medication indicated for generalized anxiety disorder.  That didn’t change everything for sure, but it made it so after a while I could function a little better and I could appreciate the work that God was doing in my life despite my crippling fear.

But please do not misunderstand-this is not a story about medication.  Although I am still taking it, and I am no longer ashamed of that fact, I want you to know that this is a story about Jesus.

I’m so proud of my wife for battling through this. I will post the rest of her story on Wednesday. If you have any questions or comments I’ll pass them along and get her to reply when she can.

]]> http://jollyshouse.wordpress.com/2011/09/05/guest-post-what-if-im-meant-to-fly-part-i/feed/ 5 osujolly http://jollyshouse.wordpress.com/2011/09/02/all-i-want-for-christmas/ http://jollyshouse.wordpress.com/2011/09/02/all-i-want-for-christmas/#comments Fri, 02 Sep 2011 20:30:41 +0000 osujolly http://jollyshouse.wordpress.com/?p=1673 ]]> I know it’s early, but the stores are starting to put stuff out… so I figured I’d get in there early… and since it’s only two things I figured geez you can handle that. If you don’t know where to deliver them, let me know and I’ll pass on the address.

Number 1:  iPhone 5

Yep I’m an apple junkie, but hey I’ve been patient waiting 3 years to upgrade. I know some people that have upgraded their phones 3 or 4 times during my stint with the brick that barely makes calls now. Bring it Apple give me my first Christmas wish.

Number 2: Canon 5d Mark III

Yeah baby, I’m upgrading and I can’t wait… that is if you love me enough to get me this little bundle of joy. I purchased my current camera on sale when Circuit City was headed out of business. That’s been well that’s been a while too. So if you can convince Canon to drop this baby on the market, I’ll provide the stocking and cookies, so bring that baby on over. I’ll even open the front door so you don’t have to climb down our chimney.

Thank you and Ho Ho Ho… Happy Merry Christmas in September.

Oh Yeah and Number 3: Peace On Earth… cue the music.

So, because I’m not sure what’s coming or what exactly I want to do, I’ve decided to take some time and do some assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. One assessment I took dealt solely with relational interactions. It came back with three suggestions, so I figured I share those here… one at a time.

The first is:

Learn to live more consistently in the present moments of life. In other words, be centered and engaged rather than distracted and disengaged.

This was something that I had realized about myself in the past and was a good reminder. I tend to be always moving on to the next thing while still in the midst of whatever is right in front of me. I was reminded of this in Ecuador this last trip. I was in a beautiful country doing amazing work and helping people and I was thinking about the week after when I would be back in El Paso.

This is not good. I miss out on the joy of the moment. It devalues the experience and the people right in front of me. I think that our world is moving that way as a whole, not as an excuse for my own behavior, but life with twitter, facebook, and now google+ have us in constant, “what’s happening out there” or “I don’t want to miss what so and so is doing” so we are constantly checking in at the expense of what is happening right here in front of me.

I believe this lifestyle spills into the rest of our lives… it has the potential to at least.

This is something that I definitely want to work on. To help with this, I’m going to reread two books:

Practice the Presence of God                                          In Praise of Slowness

How do you stay engaged and present?

Today one of the photographers I follow tweeted… “I don’t get when photographers write blogs for tips yet show other photographers’ work to illustrate the post. Don’t have it? Don’t post it.”

Although it appears they deleted their tweet (the reason I’m not mentioning their name) I believe this statement is true of every area of “expertise.”

Everyone has that friend that “knows” everything, but now with the explosion of blogs it appears to be getting worse.

So I think we should take the advice of my “friend” and post to what you know… and what you actually do. In my world… it’s church growth, community development, missional living. There are plenty of people out there posting and tweeting and authoring books about things that they aren’t actively involved in… or that maybe they were involved in in the 80′s and 90′s.

If that’s your case… talk about how it made you feel to fail. What did you do when you doubted your calling? How do you keep moving forward when it feels like you can’t go on?

I don’t know about you, but the people that live around me today look at the church and Jesus differently than my neighbors used to. How I engage my neighborhood is different because of that fact. I hope that 5, 10, 15 years from now I’m not talking about how I used to do it and instead am encouraging those around me who are struggling to share God’s love with their neighbors, because I’m still trying too… and being crushed when it doesn’t work out the way I’d like it to.

The past few weeks… I’ve been listening to and reading Psalm 139 over and over again… you can to by using the youversion app on your iphone. It’s pretty cool to have that audio option. And there’s a lot more to Psalm 139 than that “you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” It’s pretty jam packed with goodness.

BUT, what are you doing to make it in these tough times. I’d like to suggest a few things…

If I take my wife out, which I enjoy doing, I can drop $50 pretty easily at a restaurant and another $30 for a movie… with popcorn and snackage.

What if you and another couple make plans to share a meal together once a week? I don’t know about your upbringing, but we didn’t do this in my family. But I enjoy doing it now. I know that for half that date night, we can feed another family and take enough over to the neighbors just to say, “we’re thinking about ya!”

Throw in a redbox rental and your good to go.

That’s just the financial benefit. Add to that the conversation and the laughter around the table. Now you’ve lifted up another family and yourself. I know that your probably thinking, I don’t have time to prepare a meal and clean the house and and and and… but really when you’re over at another person’s house are you that critical of how clean it was? I’m not talking hoarders…. I’m talking about… do you really need to deep clean your house to have someone over? The answer is NO.

Enjoy the company of another family… share a meal… split the cost and multiply the savings… or you host one week and they the next.

You can do this… you can save money, bless another family and make your neighborhood a better place.

I’d love to hear about your attempt to save some cash, invest in your friends and neighbors and make it through all the negative noise out there.